Happy No Taxation without Representation Day

Happy 4th of July.

And as always Free DC! Ah shit it's raining! But I want the pretty lights...


Liam '16

Breathe... Just Remember to Breathe

I've despised Donald Trump since I first knew who he was. He's a greasy, borish bourgeois, orange asshole. I haven't written about him, probably because I despise him so much, that nothing productive would come from it.

He's one of the first birthers. I hear from friends that they believe that his political persona is simply an act; however it is now over 8 years old. He's racist, xenophobic, homophobic, bleh.

Now add Anti-Semitic. Go read the Mic.com story if you haven't already. The photo below was reposted from there.

Yep. Seriously. Jesus Fuck. It's not a sheriff's badge; it's a repost from a skinhead. Mother fuck. Roughly 40% of Americans would vote for that slimy shit stain.

40 fucking percent. Take a look to your left, Take a look to your right. One of those mother fuckers will vote for someone that frequently repost Neo-Nazi propaganda. Ohne Scheiß!

I get heart palpitations over that. I shit you not.

Fuck! This is the point where I start to hyperventilate, until I realize that we have no real equivalent to the SA.


Liam '16

The Bees and The Bees

Recently a real world friend of mine and I were talking (yes I have one of those.)  We were at that point of our friendship where she starting to see me as actually gay instead of a-- to paraphrase QAF--- a ball-less, sexless, gay eunuch.

During our conversation, she brought up that she has never tried anal. We ended up not going into it, but later I realized that she might have been asking for advice.

It also brought up memories that of how anti-gay my state-school-provided sex ed really was. (There was no mention of homosexuality, and my teacher referred to anal sex as being demeaning towards women.)

The following is designated to be a virgin's guide to anal sex. Essentially I came up with this as the cheat sheets that I wish I had a few years ago. Hopefully you can find it useful whether you're gay or straight.

But if I ever have to give my sage like guidance and boil it down into one sentence, it would be:


Masturbate with a dildo before trying anal sex; also think about getting poppers if you find it difficult to relax.


The Forewords:

1. I have a prostate; women tend not to have those. From my personal experience, anal sex is enjoyable because of my prostate. If you don't have a prostate, I don't know if you will enjoy it. All I can offer is years of learning and experience. Please keep an open mind.

2. If you don't want to do anal, you won't enjoy it. There is no "fake it 'til you make it": only pain. Related to that point, if you don't feel well on a particular day, don't do it. It might be painful, or you just might shit on a dude.

3. If you want to try it, you will need to prepare: not just for the first time, but every time.

4. I don't have a vagina, but I know that it's not vaginal sex. Respect the anus for what it's worth. That means don't just start shoving shit up there. Make sure your partner understands that anal sex is a shared gift (I don't know if there is a word to describe what I mean), but it is not an entitlement. Your partner does not deserve sex; they do not need sex; they are allowed to have sex with you. They need to be gentle, understanding, a good listener, and appreciative of your needs.

Basic Sex Ed

Hygiene:

1.  Poop. Yes, scat comes out of the anus. To really enjoy anal sex, you'll need to poop before you do it. I usually need 15 minutes to "reset" afterwards.

2. Wipe down. I use wet wipes to get extra clean. Some people warn to avoid wipes with alcohol or fragrance but I've never had a problem.

3. Douche. Or not. I'm not a doctor; I don't know if this is bad for your body. I have done this; it helps me feel like I'm not going to poop on my partner. If you douche, you need to give your body a chance to rebuild the mucus lining on your colon. It's recommended that you wait 2 hours afterwards to have sex.

4. Take a shower.  Do I need to explain this one. It will also help relax you. Brush your teeth, put on deodorant, and wear fresh undies (in my experience, this ones more for the guys.)

5. Keep tissues by the bedside.

6. Choose a hand for lubricating your anus and toys, and a hand specifically for your genitals.


Protection:

1. Condoms every time!

2. Even if you are monogamous, you still can get a number of infections; so, always wear a condom. Allergic to latex: latex free condoms. You don't like how they smell: orange scented condoms. Your partner doesn't like how it feels on their cock: internal condoms. You like a little pizazz in your display: colored condoms.

3. Condoms every time! (Change condoms if you decide to change orifice.)


Lubrication:

1. Lubrication is as necessary of a component for safer sex as is a condom. Condoms fail without condom safe lubrication. Silicone is my preference as it doesn't get absorbed by the skin. If I am masturbating, I use a water-based lubricant because I use a silicone toy. You will need to stop at some point and reapply lube because it will be absorbed by the rectum. NEVER USE AN OIL BASED LUBE! It will destroy the condom; it can also lead to an infection on its own.

2. Have you ever had a sunburn on the inside of your rectum? That's what anal sex feels like without enough lubrication. So to recap; lube is necessary for enjoyment and safety.

3. Do you have enough lubrication? The answer is, if you're asking that question, you do not have enough lube.

4. Treat yourself! The better the lube; the better the experience. Find a brand you love and always keep it with you. (I have a bug-out bag for one night stands complete with my favorite lube, condoms, and toothbrush.)

What Your High School Instructor Didn't Teach You:

Masturbation:

1. Before even trying anal sex, masturbate by yourself. You need to learn the mechanics of anal sex before you should even consider letting someone into your body. Masturbation also allows you to find out what is and what isn't enjoyable.

2. Get as turned on as you possibly can. For me, I turn on sexy music, I light candles, I turn on porn, and I sniff poppers. (For straight reads, poppers are nitrite compounds that are inhaled. Do not drink them. Do not use them with alcohol or Viagra. Open the cap and sniff the vapors. Don't get the solution on your skin as it burns. If you're going to do them, try them before hand to understand how it will affect your body. It instantly relaxes my anus, and honestly makes me lose my mind while having sex.) Oh yes, also relax.

3. Start small and simple, and move on from there. If a particular toy comes in three sizes go with the small one. I prefer a dildo that I can ride while stimulating my other genitals; some people prefer a plug that stays in place while they stimulate their genitals. I would also suggest starting with a toy that lacks texture or ridges while learning your body.

4. Use a non-porous silicone toy. It's easy to clean. With a larger toy, I finger myself first, before moving to the larger toy.


Entrance:

1. Relax.

2. Push out. One method is to clench your anus for 15 seconds, until you can't hold it any longer and then push out. (This is where learning your body with a toy helps.)

3. Breathe out.

4. Take control. Especially if it is your first time, control the pace of entry, either controlling your partner with your hand or pushing yourself back into their cock. If there is minor pain, readjust your position. Sometimes it helps to pull out and try it again. If pain continues, stop.

Once again this is why masturbating first helps. If there is pain, you either need more lube, more foreplay, or you need to just flat out stop.


Position:

1. There is no right answer, but the right position for you will make a world of difference.

2. I prefer being on top as it gives me greater control of pacing and timing. I am more likely to orgasm when it is appropriate when I'm on top.

3. If you are comfortable enough to continue having sex, explore and find your position.


TL; DR- Masturbate with a dildo before trying anal sex; also think about getting poppers if you find it difficult to relax.


Additional Reading:

1. Dangerouslilly.com on silicone toys.

2. Vice.com on poppers.

3. Goaskalice.columbia.edu on lube.


Liam '16

My Sexuality is Corporate Sponsored Apparently

With inclusion into mainstream society, Pride has attracted large name companies as sponsors. Hurrah for inclusion, we've made it and advertisers want our money.

This year the Capital Pride Alliance was sponsored by Hilton Hotels. The HRC has given them a corporate rating of 100% for 2016 & 2015.

While it's great that the corporation treats its gay customers and staff humanly, I am not willing to give them a free pass when it comes to their political contributions. While their overall contributions to Republicans and Democrats in 2014 were relatively even (they gave Republicans 60K compared to the Democrats 40K), they gave out a lot of money to anti-gay Representatives (which I define as a representative who scored a 0 on the HRC Scorecard.)

Below is table of the money that went to Republicans from Hilton Worldwide's PAC.

2014 Hilton Worldwide PAC FEC ID (C00213074) Contributions to Republican Candidates
Name	Amount*	Rank	112th HRC Score
Comstock, Barbara (R-VA)	$7,600	1	NA
Camp, Dave (R-MI)	$5,000	3	0
Upton, Fred (R-MI)	$5,000	3	0
Grimm, Michael (R-NY)	$4,500	7	0
Cantor, Eric (R-VA)	$4,494	9	0
Goodlatte, Bob (R-VA)	$3,500	11	0
Love, Mia (R-UT)	$3,500	11	NA
Bilirakis, Gus (R-FL)	$2,500	15	0
Diaz-Balart, Mario (R-FL)	$2,500	15	45
Heck, Joe (R-NV)	$2,500	15	0
McCarthy, Kevin (R-CA)	$2,500	15	0
McMorris Rodgers, Cathy (R-WA)	$2,500	15	0
Ryan, Paul (R-WI)	$2,500	15	0
Scalise, Steve (R-LA)	$2,500	15	0
Noem, Kristi (R-SD)	$2,000	24	0
Ribble, Reid (R-WI)	$2,000	24	0
Terry, Lee (R-NE)	$2,000	24	15
Katko, John (R-NY)	$1,500	27	NA
Duffy, Sean P (R-WI)	$1,000	29	0
Griffin, Taylor (R-NC)	$1,000	29	NA
Issa, Darrell (R-CA)	$1,000	29	0
Moll, Thomas (R-AR)	$1,000	29	NA
Reed, Tom (R-NY)	$1,000	29	0
Shuster, Bill (R-PA)	$1,000	29	0
Total	$64,594	Average	3.16

Unfortunately Hilton is not the only sponsor of Pride in the same boat. Hilton's competitor, Marriott, likewise donate to a slew of anti-gay politicians.

Below is a table of the House Candidates that they donate to in 2014.

2014 Marriott International, Inc PAC FEC ID (C00284810) Contributions to Republican Candidates
Name	Amount*	Rank	112th HRC Score
Diaz-Balart, Mario (R-FL)	$7,500	2	45
Heck, Joe (R-NV)	$7,500	2	0
McCarthy, Kevin (R-CA)	$7,500	2	0
Bilirakis, Gus (R-FL)	$5,000	6	0
Boehner, John (R-OH)	$5,000	6	NA
Camp, Dave (R-MI)	$5,000	6	0
Cantor, Eric (R-VA)	$5,000	6	0
Grimm, Michael (R-NY)	$5,000	6	0
Ryan, Paul (R-WI)	$5,000	6	0
Ellmers, Renee (R-NC)	$2,500	20	0
Goodlatte, Bob (R-VA)	$2,500	20	0
Hanna, Richard (R-NY)	$2,500	20	97
Hensarling, Jeb (R-TX)	$2,500	20	0
Issa, Darrell (R-CA)	$2,500	20	0
Kline, John (R-MN)	$2,500	20	0
McCaul, Michael (R-TX)	$2,500	20	0
McMorris Rodgers, Cathy (R-WA)	$2,500	20	0
Scalise, Steve (R-LA)	$2,500	20	0
DeSantis, Ron (R-FL)	$2,000	31	NA
Gowdy, Trey (R-SC)	$2,000	31	0
Pompeo, Mike (R-KS)	$2,000	31	0
Ros-Lehtinen, Ileana (R-FL)	$2,000	31	98
Terry, Lee (R-NE)	$2,000	31	15
Harris, Andy (R-MD)	$1,000	39	0
Labrador, Raul (R-ID)	$1,000	39	0
Poe, Ted (R-TX)	$1,000	39	15
Posey, Bill (R-FL)	$1,000	39	0
Rigell, Scott (R-VA)	$1,000	39	0
Roskam, Peter (R-IL)	$1,000	39	0
Smith, Lamar (R-TX)	$1,000	39	NA
Total	$92,000	Average	10

* Figure does not Include Contributions to Leadership PACs While I do not think the community should automatically cut ties with these sponsor, I do believe some very important questions need to be answered by both the community and the sponsors. Can we use our purchasing power to sway companies into pressuring anti-LGBT law makers into making better choices? If we can, is it worth temporarily slowing progress in exchange for long term gains? If can't should the community be in business with companies that give money to our opponents, even if they are great to us? Are gay people just walking money sacks with a high disposable income to be exploited? I don't think these will be answered anytime soon. Not that they are easy to answer nor would necessarily be of benefit. To reiterate, I'm all for inclusion, but should that come at a cost of our rights, privileges and benefits?

Liam '16

Why?

According to the Pet Shop Boys, it's a sin.

According to the man standing at the end of the Pride Parade route, it's a sin.

But why?

I should have asked the man why, what reason outside of the bible, is anal sex a sin. But instead after telling me he would pray for my sins, I taunted him with a quip that I would be thinking about him when I fuck my dildo later.

-Dunk Liam is not very clever.-

So why? Why the hate?

It's unnatural: Nope. Not unless animals are unnatural as well.

It's dirty: Shower and douche.

It hurts: Poppers, lube, and relaxation.

Higher STI rate: Condoms and silicone lube. Always.

Because god: doesn't exist.


On the day this was written, a gunman went into a gay night club and murdered at least 50 people in Orlando, Florida. While their motives have not been stated, I am willing to guess it was terrorist attack in response to Pride Weekend.

Why? WHY THE FUCK? I just need to know why? Why is murder love? Why is hatred love? Why is love wrong? Why?



Liam '16

People Haven't Lost Their Sense of Humor, You're just not Funny.

Just a random thought. I was reading a comment that someone posted that was supposed to be sarcastic/postmodern. When somebody replied "?," the original poster flip out about how no one understands sarcasm anymore. The problem with their argument is that their comment wasn't funny, nor did it make a point as sarcasm. So they have little right to be indignant.

I did a little digging, and I think they fancy themself as a rightwing Andy Kaufman.

One problem with writing is that it takes away delivery. In the written form Ann Coulter is Stephen Colbert. Who knows, maybe she is just a postmodern performance actress after all or perhaps Andy Kauffman in drag.

Which brings me back to the title of this post "People Haven't Lost Their Sense of Humor, You're just not Funny." Perhaps one of things that annoys me most lately is the phrase "people have lost their sense of humor," which is then followed by a long diatribe about the awfulness of PC. Quelle horreur! People expect you to treat others with basic human dignity! What a fucking monster the left are.

But it's not about PC, it's about the comedian not being funny or just not being a decent human being in general. The general rule of thumb is if the joke's funny, and it comes from a good place then people will laugh.  Otherwise people will judge you. And that would go against the 1st amendment and freedumz of speach.

In this joke, Louis CK does a very good job of reassuring the audience that he is with gay people. He doesn't simply say that he's not homophobic; he paints a picture using graphic words. It's odd that I like this joke, because I really don't like when straight people use the word "faggot" (whenever I was picked on in school that's the word boys would use, and it meant homosexual), but the joke kind of takes the sting out of the word. Perhaps it's, because I don't feel targeted when he's telling it.

Contrast with:

Kevin Hart fails. This joke is supposed to be about his failings as a father. That's obvious. This segment could be funny; however the problem is that he doesn't come back to the subject at hand. There's no turn or twist; the joke just sits stagnant. His spiel is that he's not homophobic but this one time he totally kicked the shit out of his son because another boy was grinding with him.

Hopefully this geared up to 10:10... but anyway I think Sam Seder gets it right when he says:

"If these guys can't see that there is a difference between doing comedy that is based upon marginalizing people who already are marginalized and disempowered in our society versus doing comedy about taboo subjects that may offend people, if they can't see the difference between them that's because-- I should say-- they're not bright enough to do this stuff anyway."

Bleh. Scattered brain today.Yeah so no one's stopping Jerry Seinfeld from saying anything except Jerry Seinfeld. He's just worried about how people will take edgy bits.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there are 7 billion assholes on this planet. If you do anything, someone somewhere will be offended. Don't worry about how others feel. Worry about what your doing and if it's the right thing to do. Most people get that it's about intention. So don't shit on marginalized communities; joke with them.


Liam '15

Spider-Gay

In the previous post I published a lengthy diatribe about Marvel's leaked licensing agreement with Sony Pictures, and my feelings of bleh.

In keeping with my tradition of being productive when I'm feeling bleh,  I've decided to create a comic based on the situation. So I present Spider-Gay. A obvious, total parody of Peter Parker as Spider-Man. Notice the pink tights and the dildo emblem. Totally different from Spider-Man but close enough for parody.

I just want to reiterate that I don't think Marvel is homophobic (the last issue of Amazing Spider-Man had a same-sex wedding for Christ-sake) it's more about my realization that I can't be Spider-Man, that I'm not Peter Parker, because I ride dick like its the last roller coaster at the amusement park.

But enough blather.

On a high school field trip to the Mall of America 3M Labs, Parker Peterson was bitten by a radioactive spider who happened to be gay. Really the gay characteristic of the spider is superfluous and an attempt to avoid a lawsuit by Marvel, as Parker already had a healthy appetite for the sweat man meat, and as we all know you being gay is not a choice and people cannot be turned gay or straight. However he did gain new strengths, the ability to leap higher than buildings, the ability to detect trouble before it arises and has an encyclopedic knowledge broadway show-tunes.

Now a grad student at the University of Minnesota, go Gophers, Parker Peterson is living with his current boyfriend, beat journalist Eddy Hudson, get it... like Eddie Brock and Rock Hudson... Eddy Hudson. Parker also lives with a secret... he is the Fabulous Spider-Gay!

Between his job as a Paralegal at Nelson & Burdick LLP, school, and life as a crime fighter, Parker's spread thin.

Parker has been working on the case of Manuel Peralta, an immigrant from Guatemala, who has been wrongly accused of a crime. He faces 5 years in prison for felony drug possession charges with attempt to distribute followed by mandatory deportation. Without the testimony from a low-life witness who can clear Manuel of the charges, he stands to lose his 3 children.

I may have gone a little overboard. In the next scene, Parker cracks open a jar of crisco and wears Eddy like a human puppet. It's objectively pretty sick.

And the scene where Parker uses his webbing to tie Eddy's hands to the head board of the bed... So hot.

If I were fully committed to making a full episode I would have Spider-Gay tackle a low-level criminal. After successfully tackling the criminal, a police office would call Spider-Gay a "fucking faggot." The insult would stick with Parker creating his symbiotic black suit.

When Parker Peterson sheds the bile of his black suit will it attack Eddy Hudson? Will Eddy then become a self-loathing gay villain who will then one day turn into an anti-hero? Have you read a comic book ever?

I think I done with this now.

Now for the legal crap:

If anyone would like to continue this parody, I am licensing Spider-Gay out under Creative Commons licensing agreement Attribution-NonCommercial CC BY-NC 4.0. The Agreement can be found here with further details here.

Just remember to keep it a parody by mocking Marvel and their decision to not allow a gay Peter Parker. If does not qualify as a parody and is therefore a derivative work your up shit creek.

On the left is the leaked Marvel/Sony agreement and on the right is the parody agreement anyone who decides to further Spider-Gay technically agrees to...(or should probably agree to in order to comply with fair use law in regards to parody.

a. Mandatory Spider-Man Character Traits.  Spider-Man (whether Peter Parker or an alternative Spider-Man character) must always strictly conform to the following “Mandatory Character Traits”: • Male • Does not torture* • Does not kill unless in defense of self or others* • Does not use foul language beyond PG-13 • Does not smoke tobacco* • Does not sell/distribute illegal drugs* • Does not abuse alcohol* • Does not have sex before the age of 16, does not have sex with anyone below the age of 16 • Not a homosexual (unless Marvel has portrayed that alter ego as homosexual)

a. Mandatory Spider-Gay Character Traits. Spider-Gay (whether Parker Peterson or an alternative Spider-Gay character) must always strictly conform to the following “Mandatory Character Traits”: • Male Identifying • Into Light Bondage • Does not kill unless the villain makes fun of his boots • Does not use racial/gender disparaging language • Does not bareback • Does not sell meth • If alcoholic, only closeted due to traumatic upbringing • He’s not a pedophile. I’m fucking tired of gays being called pedos.. so none of that shit. • Not a heterosexual (unless alternate-verse alter ego is into vag and is a gay-ally)

b. Peter Parker Character Traits. Depiction of Peter Parker or his Spider-Man alter ego must conform to the following character traits: • His full name is Peter Benjamin Parker. • He is Caucasian and heterosexual. • His parents become absent from his life during his childhood. • From the time his parents become absent he is raised by his Aunt May and Uncle Ben in New York City • He gains his powers while attending either middle school or college. • He gains his powers from being bitten by a spider • He designs his first red and blue costume. • The black costume is a symbiote and is not designed by him • He is raised in a middle class household in Queens, New York • He attends or attended high school in Queens, New York, and he attends or attended college in New York City, New York.

b. Parker Peterson Character Traits. Depiction of Parker Peterson or his Spider-Gay alter ego must conform to the following character traits: • His full name is Parker J. Peterson. • He is gay and his race may vary, as artist prefers. • His parents abandon him after he comes out of the closet during adolescence. • From the time he is abandoned he is taken in off the streets by Ben, a drag queen who performs as Desdemona • He gains his powers from a radioactive gay-spider • He comes out while attending High School or after confessing to his college girlfriend. • He already owed his spandex tights before being Spider-Gay • The black costume is an allegory of internalized homophobia he’s infected by the outside world • He is raised in Minneapolis, Minnesota • He attends or attended Cretin-Derham Hall High School with Josh Hartnett, or he attends college at the University of Minnesota, go Gophers.

Liam '15