How to (actually) Apologize

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while. I had a whole article in my head on this after the Josh Duggar incident. He issued a non-apology, in which he was sorry that people found out that he molested his sisters. Sick shit.

"I deeply regret that recent media reports about my long ago past has brought negative attention to FRC Action and its work to preserve and advance the interests of family, faith, and freedom in the political arena."

I am hesitant to cover it as there is a real victim.  I feel like scoring cheap points from an abuse scandal is classless. Real people were hurt, and everyone now knows just what a hypocrite and an asshole he is. I have empathy for the victims. And I do not need to pile on.

So shifting gears quickly, I want to cover the difference between an apology and an excuse.

This step by step manual is to serve as a how to  guide for sincere apologies.  Unfortunately, it seems to me few people know how to properly apologize for their actions.


Step 1:

Say "I am sorry." This is the most basic form of an apology and needs to be said in some iteration. With minor infractions, "I'm sorry" is all that you need to say.  The more egregious or complex the transgression, the more thorough of an apology will be needed.

As with any communication you need a thesis statement, and perhaps no phrase serves a better in this circumstance than "I am sorry."

Depending on the circumstances an apology can range from a simple 3 word sentence to a full letter. But if you are truly sorry a proper apology can go along way. The main thing is to actually apologize for your actions.


Step 2:

Acknowledge your actions. What actions are you responsible that has lead you to apologize for?


Step 3:

Explain why your actions require an apology. Demonstrate to your audience that you know the reasons why you are apologizing.

This will allow the audience a chance to correct the record if you are mistaken.


Step 4:

Are there any relevant factors that mitigate your actions; this should not be used as an excuse for your behavior.

While excuses make for great apologetics, they make for piss-poor apologies.

Therefore this should only be done sparingly, when the audience absolutely needs to know this novel information.


Step 5:

Can you remedy the situation? Will you remedy the situation?

If you can and you won't the apology will seem hollow and will lean towards more of an excuse rather than a sincere apology.

Likewise if you can't remedy the situation, but you promise to do so... well then you're fucked and you look kinda stupid and untrustworthy.


Step 6:

Accept responsibility for you actions.

Grammar:

Sentence structure is massive in an apology. Semantics and usage can be the difference in many cases between a sincere apology and excusing one's behavior.

I am sorry that you are offended by me.
Passive Voice

This first example is a non-apology. The passive voice in this instance shifts the focus onto the audience in the compliment clause "you are offended."

I am sorry that I offended you.
Active Voice

In this second example, the sentence structure is reworked to its deep structure, becoming the active voice. In the compliment clause the writer owns their guilt as the offending party.

I am sorry. My behavior was offensive.
Two Active Sentences 

In this third example, the compliment clause is removed entirely and replaced be the second sentence "my behavior was offensive." By removing "you" from the sentence, there is no possibility of placing blame on the audience (for being offended.) The writer accepts full responsibility for their guilt.

Full example:

I am sorry that I fucked your husband in the ass on your white sheets while you were visiting the International Leather Museum in San Fransisco. My actions completely violated the trust you placed in me and showed an utter lack of respect towards you. While I was drunk at the time and this behavior is not typical of my personality, it does not excuse my action. I am truly sorry for the damage I have caused. I will replace the Santorum stained sheets with new ones.

Poor example, because you probably shouldn't apologize in this fashion for cheating. It is also a situation where little action can be taken to make amends. 

Not going to fix it. C'est la vie.

Oh and don't forget, apologies are really supposed to be about them not you.

Liam '15