That's Fucked Up

Dear Leelah,

Like many queer teens, I was suicidal too when I was 17 years old. Anytime I was driving alone I would fantasize about pulling the wheel hard to the right and burying my car deep into the river. And when I would correct the steering wheel, I would become depressed, because I was a coward.

In college, I dated a guy who was practically disowned by his family. He would have mental emergencies and go into a state of deep anxiety over virtually nothing. Once he went so far as to propose a suicide pact. It was not the type of proposal I hoped for.

Shortly afterwards, I was going through a rough patch in my life. I was unemployed, and I felt unemployable. I laid out a full 30 day prescription of pain medication on my desk. If my roommate hadn't come home early and surprised me...

Needless to say, I get emotional when I read about teen suicide. It hurts. One of the things that led me to the edge was that I felt like I didn't have an advocate. No one was one my side. No one was willing to help.

Every time I read about another teen suicide, all I can think is I wish I could have helped. I wish I could been there for them. They needed an advocate. It's silly, and it's stupid, but I cannot help but feel that way. And then I do nothing, and nothing changes.

Maybe this time it is different.

When it comes to suicide and platitudes, I will not lie and say that I know it will get better for you. It may not. You might die homeless and unloved. I do not know what the future holds for an individual.

What I do know is that the world cannot get better without you. It will not get better for you ,and it will not get better for the next woman. We have lost far too many beautiful people due to depression and the lack of love and compassion. And you are beautiful.

This may be a bit disjointed but whenever I feel depressed I like to draw crappy cartoons to express my frustrations. It helps me survive to do something creative rather than to nothing at all.

Remove the adjective, and you get the sentence "Stop being."

If you are suicidal and you need an advocate, please call a friend. Or call the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386. Join an online group. I read Joe.My.God daily. Leave a comment. Just please do something.

Liam '15