Friday, July 20, 2012

Retorts and Straight Jokes

A while ago I went to a party at a friend of a friend's house.  I had never met the guy before, but hey, he was kind enough to let me into his house.  I was having a very good time; there was plenty of food and really good beer. The conversation was perhaps a little dull as most of the people there worked at the same office. Everything was going great until later on in the evening the host started telling unprovoked gay jokes.

Perhaps I was a coward, at the time I thought I was simply being a courteous guest, but I said nothing. As far as I know I was the only gay person at this small get-together. I really didn't want to spoil everyone else night, so I just let it go. The city I live in, I have never had a problem being gay before.  People are out, and others are tolerant. There really isn't much of a gay scene here, because there is no need for one. Gay and straight are pretty much the same thing. So that has led me to the point where I am not closeted, yet I do not go around introducing myself as Liam the Homosexual. That is not who I am, just as a straight guy doesn't go around introducing himself as Harry the Heterosexual. Because I am not a massive walking stereotype, people just assume that I am straight.

I can take a joke, as well as I can dish them out.  If someone jokes about my sexuality, and it comes from a good place, then alright. However when someone makes a joke and then says "It's not alright with me, and I would tell them to get the fuck out," then I cannot deal with that.

At the time I now wished I had started telling straight jokes. But once again  I didn't want to make it into a bigger deal, and secondly I didn't know any jokes.

The gay people I know, do not tell anti-straight-jokes.  When you live on the side that is being oppressed you typically are sensitive to the larger issue. When you have your sexuality mocked, mocking other people's sexuality is pretty much the last thing you want to do.  It typically just adds more hate. I looked online to see if I could find any jokes to use as retorts, but I didn't find many; so I decided just to write some myself.  I am sure they are similar to other jokes you may have heard, but what the hell.

I have known people that use the word breeder.  For the first time, I feel like I get why.

These are only to be used to champion justice, never bigotry.

Q: What’s the difference between a straight man and a vibrator?
A: The vibrator lasts more than 5 minutes.

Q: Why are hetero women always left unsatisfied?
A: Straight men never ask for directions to the G-spot.

Q: How many straight men does it take to bring out the trash?
A: One man and his wife to bitch at him for an entire week to do it.  

Q: What’s straight and satisfying?
A: Nothing.

Q: Why did the straight man cross the road?
A: Because he was tired of his wife’s nagging.

Q: Why did the straight woman cross the road?
A: To escape domestic abuse.

Q: Why don’t gays date women?
A: We don’t trust anything that bleeds for 3 days and doesn’t die.

Q: What do you get when you cross two 15 year olds and box of wine coolers?
A: A baby and a life-time of flipping burgers.

Q: What’s the difference between a straight man and a piece of shit?
A: A piece of shit doesn’t beat his wife.

Q: Why are homophobic jokes typically so short?
A: So that breeders can remember them.

Q: Why are homophobic jokes typically so short?
A: Because nothing a straight man does ever lasts for more than 5 seconds.

Q: How does a straight woman know she’s dreaming?
A: She orgasms in the dream.

Q: What’s the difference between a straight man and a pig?
A: You can kill and eat the pig.

Perhaps more to come.

Liam '12

Freedom Just For Me


  1. What was women's punishment for original sin? They had to menstruate and go through child birth.
    What was man's punishment? He had to deal with women.
    So god doesn't hate gays, he's just mad they found a loophole.

    1. that was great really great i was cracking up lmao

    2. Hi there, I found this sad actually more than funny, a real social statement you've made - too true to be funny. I think straight guys are probably very insecure, I have made friends with a gay man and we get on great and can talk about anything. I don't know why people have to be so judgemental of other people period. People are just people.

    3. Ha ha ha. Love it. Although depending on the day that I am having, sometimes I have to wonder if women's punishment is having to put up with men.

    4. @Mammarte, I had troubles getting the tone right when I was writing this post. I don't remember how many times I rewrote the piece. I was aiming for something similar to gallows humor, because in times like these if I don't laugh it off, I find myself consumed by the situation.

      I could speculate why people are judgmental for weeks on end. I think many straight guys are insecure, but it is also in part due to ignorance. I wonder how many potential gay friends this person had before he scared them off. Would he be anti-gay if he got to know the gay people he liked.

      But yes you are right that people are just people, and I wished everyone could get over that fact and move on, preferably in my life time, as that is a world I would like to live in. In the end all that I can say is that hopefully tomorrow I will be less judgmental and maybe it will catch on from there.

  2. Wow. People are actually reading this. Cool.

  3. If we could take gender out of it, and just be our personalities...My Dad was funny he said mixed marriages don't work, i.e. men and women just don't get on...but in life too many women together don't get on, just a Bitch Fest really (and I know because I worked for a Women's mag.) Blokes grouped together are real gossips in clubs I found out too. I guess it just boils down to people being good, non-judgemental people. Being tolerant, accepting etc.

  4. Loved them all. More please!!! ��

  5. A lot of these are cissexist, but the ones that aren't are p funny.