Spider-Gay

In the previous post I published a lengthy diatribe about Marvel's leaked licensing agreement with Sony Pictures, and my feelings of bleh.

In keeping with my tradition of being productive when I'm feeling bleh,  I've decided to create a comic based on the situation. So I present Spider-Gay. A obvious, total parody of Peter Parker as Spider-Man. Notice the pink tights and the dildo emblem. Totally different from Spider-Man but close enough for parody.

I just want to reiterate that I don't think Marvel is homophobic (the last issue of Amazing Spider-Man had a same-sex wedding for Christ-sake) it's more about my realization that I can't be Spider-Man, that I'm not Peter Parker, because I ride dick like its the last roller coaster at the amusement park.

But enough blather.

On a high school field trip to the Mall of America 3M Labs, Parker Peterson was bitten by a radioactive spider who happened to be gay. Really the gay characteristic of the spider is superfluous and an attempt to avoid a lawsuit by Marvel, as Parker already had a healthy appetite for the sweat man meat, and as we all know you being gay is not a choice and people cannot be turned gay or straight. However he did gain new strengths, the ability to leap higher than buildings, the ability to detect trouble before it arises and has an encyclopedic knowledge broadway show-tunes.

Now a grad student at the University of Minnesota, go Gophers, Parker Peterson is living with his current boyfriend, beat journalist Eddy Hudson, get it... like Eddie Brock and Rock Hudson... Eddy Hudson. Parker also lives with a secret... he is the Fabulous Spider-Gay!

Between his job as a Paralegal at Nelson & Burdick LLP, school, and life as a crime fighter, Parker's spread thin.

Parker has been working on the case of Manuel Peralta, an immigrant from Guatemala, who has been wrongly accused of a crime. He faces 5 years in prison for felony drug possession charges with attempt to distribute followed by mandatory deportation. Without the testimony from a low-life witness who can clear Manuel of the charges, he stands to lose his 3 children.

I may have gone a little overboard. In the next scene, Parker cracks open a jar of crisco and wears Eddy like a human puppet. It's objectively pretty sick.

And the scene where Parker uses his webbing to tie Eddy's hands to the head board of the bed... So hot.

If I were fully committed to making a full episode I would have Spider-Gay tackle a low-level criminal. After successfully tackling the criminal, a police office would call Spider-Gay a "fucking faggot." The insult would stick with Parker creating his symbiotic black suit.

When Parker Peterson sheds the bile of his black suit will it attack Eddy Hudson? Will Eddy then become a self-loathing gay villain who will then one day turn into an anti-hero? Have you read a comic book ever?

I think I done with this now.

Now for the legal crap:

If anyone would like to continue this parody, I am licensing Spider-Gay out under Creative Commons licensing agreement Attribution-NonCommercial CC BY-NC 4.0. The Agreement can be found here with further details here.

Just remember to keep it a parody by mocking Marvel and their decision to not allow a gay Peter Parker. If does not qualify as a parody and is therefore a derivative work your up shit creek.

On the left is the leaked Marvel/Sony agreement and on the right is the parody agreement anyone who decides to further Spider-Gay technically agrees to...(or should probably agree to in order to comply with fair use law in regards to parody.

a. Mandatory Spider-Man Character Traits.  Spider-Man (whether Peter Parker or an alternative Spider-Man character) must always strictly conform to the following “Mandatory Character Traits”: • Male • Does not torture* • Does not kill unless in defense of self or others* • Does not use foul language beyond PG-13 • Does not smoke tobacco* • Does not sell/distribute illegal drugs* • Does not abuse alcohol* • Does not have sex before the age of 16, does not have sex with anyone below the age of 16 • Not a homosexual (unless Marvel has portrayed that alter ego as homosexual)

a. Mandatory Spider-Gay Character Traits. Spider-Gay (whether Parker Peterson or an alternative Spider-Gay character) must always strictly conform to the following “Mandatory Character Traits”: • Male Identifying • Into Light Bondage • Does not kill unless the villain makes fun of his boots • Does not use racial/gender disparaging language • Does not bareback • Does not sell meth • If alcoholic, only closeted due to traumatic upbringing • He’s not a pedophile. I’m fucking tired of gays being called pedos.. so none of that shit. • Not a heterosexual (unless alternate-verse alter ego is into vag and is a gay-ally)

b. Peter Parker Character Traits. Depiction of Peter Parker or his Spider-Man alter ego must conform to the following character traits: • His full name is Peter Benjamin Parker. • He is Caucasian and heterosexual. • His parents become absent from his life during his childhood. • From the time his parents become absent he is raised by his Aunt May and Uncle Ben in New York City • He gains his powers while attending either middle school or college. • He gains his powers from being bitten by a spider • He designs his first red and blue costume. • The black costume is a symbiote and is not designed by him • He is raised in a middle class household in Queens, New York • He attends or attended high school in Queens, New York, and he attends or attended college in New York City, New York.

b. Parker Peterson Character Traits. Depiction of Parker Peterson or his Spider-Gay alter ego must conform to the following character traits: • His full name is Parker J. Peterson. • He is gay and his race may vary, as artist prefers. • His parents abandon him after he comes out of the closet during adolescence. • From the time he is abandoned he is taken in off the streets by Ben, a drag queen who performs as Desdemona • He gains his powers from a radioactive gay-spider • He comes out while attending High School or after confessing to his college girlfriend. • He already owed his spandex tights before being Spider-Gay • The black costume is an allegory of internalized homophobia he’s infected by the outside world • He is raised in Minneapolis, Minnesota • He attends or attended Cretin-Derham Hall High School with Josh Hartnett, or he attends college at the University of Minnesota, go Gophers.

Liam '15

Oh Marvel, Why

Peter Parker can be nearly anyone. That's a part of his charm. He's been remade a number of times. His personality is malleable. And Spider-Man is not always Peter Parker. In essence anyone can be behind the mask. But Spider-Man nearly always tries to be the good guy (or girl in the case of Mattie Franklin that one time she posed as Spider-Man.)

Peter Parker is not gay. He has never been depicted as being queer. He's had long-term girlfriends and a wife (sometimes a daughter.) I recently stumbled on an article by the Huffington Post, which lays out a leaked legal agreement between Marvel and Sony Pictures. In the document it is reveled that Peter Parker cannot be a homosexual.

While I have never expected Peter Parker to be gay or necessarily want him to be gay. But he represents a queer perspective for me.  In the clip below from Modern Family, Mitchel lays out his feelings on Spider-Man at the 2:52 mark:

http://abc.go.com/shows/modern-family/video/pl5520993/VDKA0_gtckp8k1

“Spider-Man, he… he spoke to me. I… I think it's because it's about this nerdy kid who has this special secret side of himself that he can't share with anybody, and… and that's how I always felt. Spider-Man made me feel like it was okay to be different. And... It made me fee tough enough to… to get through the rough times."

As a straight character, he could have indefinitely continued to represent a queer perspective; however with the leaked agreement, it is clear that Peter Parker cannot be gay. So to reiterate I'm not troubled by the fact that Peter is straight; I am troubled by the declared fact that he cannot be gay.

After 20 years of reading the Amazing Spider-Man, I finally found out who Spider-Man cannot be: Me.

I found out that there is no Santa Clause around age 3, so I don't remember what it was like finding out (my guess is that I didn't care because I still got presents from mom and dad)... perhaps this is the closest to it that I'll feel. Or maybe it's more like checking a jug of milk and finding it's gone bad, you're going to drink milk again once you get a new jug, but... ugh.

I'm disappointed in learning this. In the back of my brain I always knew these were the rules to Peter Parker, it's just frustrating that it was leaked. I love Marvel comics. The only DC character that I really like is Ollie Queen. Marvel has a social conscious. They have always championed human rights and have been along time ally for the gay community.

It's also not like they intended for this to get out. And any controversial statements from Marvel that I have noticed seem to have been in response to this leak.

I guess the moral of the story is be careful of what you say even behind closed doors, and perhaps Roland Barthes was right: don't listen to the artist.

Below is a list of what Spider-Man and Peter Parker can and cannot be. Please note that under murderer and directly below pedophile, Spider-Man cannot be a homosexual:

a. Mandatory Spider-Man Character Traits. 
Spider-Man (whether Peter Parker or an alternative Spider-Man character) must always strictly conform to the following “Mandatory Character Traits”:
• Male
• Does not torture*
• Does not kill unless in defense of self or others*
• Does not use foul language beyond PG-13
• Does not smoke tobacco*
• Does not sell/distribute illegal drugs*
• Does not abuse alcohol*
• Does not have sex before the age of 16, does not have sex with anyone below the age of 16
• Not a homosexual (unless Marvel has portrayed that alter ego as homosexual)

b. Peter Parker Character Traits. Depiction of Peter Parker or his Spider-Man alter ego must conform to the following character traits: • His full name is Peter Benjamin Parker. • He is Caucasian and heterosexual. • His parents become absent from his life during his childhood. • From the time his parents become absent he is raised by his Aunt May and Uncle Ben in New York City • He gains his powers while attending either middle school or college. • He gains his powers from being bitten by a spider • He designs his first red and blue costume. • The black costume is a symbiote and is not designed by him • He is raised in a middle class household in Queens, New York • He attends or attended high school in Queens, New York, and he attends or attended college in New York City, New York.

Alright done for now.


Liam '15