Retorts and Straight Jokes

A while ago I went to a party at a friend of a friend's house.  I had never met the guy before, but hey, he was kind enough to let me into his house.  I was having a very good time; there was plenty of food and really good beer. The conversation was perhaps a little dull as most of the people there worked at the same office. Everything was going great until later on in the evening the host started telling unprovoked gay jokes.

Perhaps I was a coward, at the time I thought I was simply being a courteous guest, but I said nothing. As far as I know I was the only gay person at this small get-together. I really didn't want to spoil everyone else night, so I just let it go. The city I live in, I have never had a problem being gay before.  People are out, and others are tolerant. There really isn't much of a gay scene here, because there is no need for one. Gay and straight are pretty much the same thing. So that has led me to the point where I am not closeted, yet I do not go around introducing myself as Liam the Homosexual. That is not who I am, just as a straight guy doesn't go around introducing himself as Harry the Heterosexual. Because I am not a massive walking stereotype, people just assume that I am straight.

I can take a joke, as well as I can dish them out.  If someone jokes about my sexuality, and it comes from a good place, then alright. However when someone makes a joke and then says "It's not alright with me, and I would tell them to get the fuck out," then I cannot deal with that.

At the time I now wished I had started telling straight jokes. But once again  I didn't want to make it into a bigger deal, and secondly I didn't know any jokes.

The gay people I know, do not tell anti-straight-jokes.  When you live on the side that is being oppressed you typically are sensitive to the larger issue. When you have your sexuality mocked, mocking other people's sexuality is pretty much the last thing you want to do.  It typically just adds more hate. I looked online to see if I could find any jokes to use as retorts, but I didn't find many; so I decided just to write some myself.  I am sure they are similar to other jokes you may have heard, but what the hell.

I have known people that use the word breeder.  For the first time, I feel like I get why.

These are only to be used to champion justice, never bigotry.

Q: What’s the difference between a straight man and a vibrator?

A: The vibrator lasts more than 5 minutes.

Q: Why are hetero women always left unsatisfied?

A: Straight men never ask for directions to the G-spot.

Q: How many straight men does it take to bring out the trash?

A: One man and his wife to bitch at him for an entire week to do it.  

Q: What’s straight and satisfying?

A: Nothing.

Q: Why did the straight man cross the road?

A: Because he was tired of his wife’s nagging.

Q: Why did the straight woman cross the road?

A: To escape domestic abuse.

Q: Why don’t gays date women?

A: We don’t trust anything that bleeds for 3 days and doesn’t die.

Q: What do you get when you cross two 15 year olds and box of wine coolers?

A: A baby and a life-time of flipping burgers.

Q: What’s the difference between a straight man and a piece of shit?

A: A piece of shit doesn’t beat his wife.

Q: Why are homophobic jokes typically so short?

A: So that breeders can remember them.

Q: Why are homophobic jokes typically so short?

A: Because nothing a straight man does ever lasts for more than 5 seconds.

Q: How does a straight woman know she’s dreaming?

A: She orgasms in the dream.

Q: What’s the difference between a straight man and a pig?

A: You can kill and eat the pig.

Perhaps more to come.

Liam '12

Freedom Just For Me

A Tale of the Map

This is a post that I will probably repost about once a month from now until the subject matter is solved. America is a Federalist Society.  We have a large powerful Federal Government balance by individual state governments.  When working properly, Federalism has one massive advantage over other political systems: a system of trial and error.  States often share similar problems and common questions of governance. The strength of federalism comes when states with similar problems come up with different solutions.  After time passes, the nation as a whole can see how the two varying solutions have worked to solve the particular problem.

That's how federalism should work, anyway.  I have a feeling that it does not often happen. Stubbornness, pride, regionalism, and ignorance can prevent states from enacting proven measures. Furthermore, a practical solution to a perceived problem may interfere with a special interest. Vast amounts of wealth can be spent to change people's beliefs.

A few months ago, when the Republicans were in primary mode, a mini-controversy erupted around the issue of contraceptives. Primarily that they need to change the composition of the Supreme Court so that Griswold v. Connecticut, 381 U.S. 479 (1965) can be overturned. (Nothing says freedom quite like having your right to privacy utterly stripped away.) I was shock to hear this in the modern era, since I knew that Texas has both a high Teen Pregnancy rate and a poor sex education program.  It was even more disturbing to hear contraceptives being discussed, in general and not only for teens, because I'm an adult and I will place a piece of latex on my penis and have sex with whomever I want. It is insane to think otherwise, especially by people who claim to champion freedom.

While the Federal Government has a role in Sex Education, primarily through Federal funds distributed to states, the majority of the policies come from the state and local levels.A state can choose to implement comprehensive, abstinence only sex education, or leave it up to local school districts (Texas.)

The following is a series of maps, the majority created by the CDC, which shows  general trends in America based on Health, Education, and Socio-Economics.

The first set of four maps show the basic sexual health of the nation, at a state or county level.

Teen Pregnancy Rates:

Syphilis Rates:

Gonorrhea Map:

Speaking of Sex Education, here is what I think should be shown. It would defiantly help lower teen pregnancy, raise tolerance and awareness. And evangelical christian types really show love my method as it is a perverted version of abstinence only.

I'm joking of course. Obviously nobody should be pressured into being gay, just as nobody should be pressured into being straight.  Attraction is attraction: if you're gay you're gay, if you're bi you're bi, if you're straight then you won't have any fun you're straight. Oh yes, also always wear a condom, always! There is no acceptable reason to not wear one during recreational sex. And if you are having sloppy gay sex, use a non-oil based lube. I digress.

Moving on to something, much, much more serious, here is a map of America based on Heart Disease.
Heart Disease Map:

For shame America, for shame. How can Wisconsin, the land of beer and cheese, be one of the healthier states when it comes to heart disease.. For shame.

Here is what the up coming generation will look like.

High School Obesity:

Compared to heart disease and adult obesity, the government can play a much greater role, in a much simpler fashion in High Schools. From extended PhysEd to low calorie lunch options, home economics, and health courses, states can lower the obesity rate among teens.  Furthermore we can use federalism to find the best solution.

High School Graduation Rates:

Bachelors Degrees:

Prison Population:

Violent Crime Rate:

I was planning to show a Hate Crimes map; however, since it is up to the individual states to define what a hate crime is and to report them to the FBI, I decided to forgo a map. According to the FBI's data center in 2010, Mississippi had one agency  reporting hate crimes while Iowa had fourteen.  Mississippi claimed to have only 11 hate crimes (they claimed only 1 in 2009) while Iowa claimed 14 cases.  

I really have my doubts about the accuracy, since as I said before states define and report hate crimes. Mississippi and Alabama have a long history of hate crimes and a failure to prosecute them.  I question the accuracy for another anecdotal reason; I haven't ever heard of a movie called Iowa Burning. 

SPLC also claims  that there are currently 41 known active hate groups in Mississippi, while there are only 4 in Iowa. But unfortunately this methodology could easily be flawed, since Wyoming, the birth place of hate crime laws has only 2 reported hate groups.

And to be truthful I really am disappointed with the honesty of the numbers, because I wanted to use those statistics to take an honest look at hate crime policies in the US.  I am not fully convinced that the progressive is necessarily the best practical way to solve hate crimes.

For as much as I joke, name call, and argue there is one thing I will not belittle. Perhaps the most telling of all is this one map.

Poverty in America:

 

If there were an omniscient, omnipotent, and all loving god, I cannot think of any greater issue, any greater image that would disturb this god than the poverty map.

 

Maps 1-6, 11 come from the CDC; 7,8 come from the Census; 9,10 come from Wikipedia.

This country and our individual states can only improve when the American people educate themselves. Ask questions of politicians, ask question of journalist, just ask questions. People lie, statistics can be manipulate, and I could be entirely wrong on my assertions, but given what I have I believe we can find a solution to our greatest problems and move forward.

Liam '12

Freedom Just For Me

Nature is not so Natural

UPDATE: I found the full video, and to be fair the section of youtube was taken out of context. I'm not going to take down this post because I have heard many of the same arguments made by other people.   So I guess just pretend that Mr. Barber didn't say these things.
 
I stumbled upon this video, and it quickly became apparent that I need to comment on this idiocy. The video was uploaded to Youtube via Right Wing Watch. I found the transcript on Right Wing Watch's site.Not like this isn't a daily occurrence, we get to see Matt Barber make an ass of himself, Liberty Counsel, and thus ""Liberty" "University""(oh wait it actually is ABA accredited).

 

This tyranny of rights, this tyranny of the minority, and we’re not talking about racial minorities, neutral minorities, we’re talking about people who define their identity based upon sexually deviant behaviors and proclivities.This is a tyranny of sexually deviant rights and it’s by design to replace the enumerated Constitutional rights given by our Creator based upon the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God, these so-called rights violate the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God, and yes violate the expressed guarantees that we have to religious liberty, freedom of speech, freedom of association granted to us by the United States Constitution. The LGBT agenda and Constitutional rights cannot exist in harmony. At Liberty Counsel, we defend the Constitution.

Let's deconstruct his argument chunk by chunk.

This tyranny of rights, this tyranny of the minority, and we’re not talking about racial minorities, neutral minorities, we’re talking about people who define their identity based upon sexually deviant behaviors and proclivities.

A tyranny of right, that sounds like a tyranny of freedom, which makes perfect sense. I have to give him credit, if you say something that is dumb enough it's like brain Novocaine, that way you won't notice the hate so much.Then he moves to how the act of gay sex is the only thing that identifies us.  It's never the love two people share, the emotional connections, the friendship, the stories, or the day-in-day-out same as strait people lives, it is always about the sloppy butt sex.  Yep for me it is.  I couldn't go to work because I was getting ass-fucked.  I couldn't get the mail because I was getting ass-fucked. Guess why I couldn't walk the dog. I digress.

This is a tyranny of sexually deviant rights and it’s by design to replace the enumerated Constitutional rights given by our Creator based upon the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God, these so-called rights violate the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God, and yes violate the expressed guarantees that we have to religious liberty, freedom of speech, freedom of association granted to us by the United States Constitution. 

Once again a tyranny of rights.. Is this fucker trying to piss me off, or is does he seriously confuse liberty and oppression. I could live with one of those. Then he says it will replace the enumerated rights, what enumerated right will disappear? Well, tell me jackass. Which one goes bye-bye? That's what I thought.Next he says god wrote our original constitution. Great job on that slavery things asshole. And if you're omnipotent and omniscient why did you allow for amendments..

Ooh here he say's the constitution is predicated upon Laws of Nature and of Nature's God.  Yes because there are no such things a gay animals. Nope no such things as gay penguins.  I means seriously has he never been to the monkey section of the zoo. Chimpanzees are always "playing" with each other. Bonobo constantly giving out gay hand-jobs (well technically they are bi hand-jobs.) And just a side note when I end up in hell, I hope it's penguin hell.  He then says being gay violates these Law's of nature and thus the constitution res ipsa loquitur.

Let's look at the constitutional rights he list again:

Religious Liberty: Yes and which God hates the gays. If my God happens to think we all should be gay. Or more likely what if I am Buddhist, Hindu, Reform Jewish, or a Congregationalist.


Freedom of speech: Meh off the top of my head I have nothing clever for this one.

Freedom of association: Dear lord he's an idiot. First off, freedom of association is not a word for word constitutional right.  It is known as a penumbra. A good definition of penumbra come from Lawyers.com, "a body of rights held to be guaranteed by implication from other rights explicitly enumerated in the U.S. Constitution."  Similar to privacy which was granted Griswold v. Connecticut. if the courts start eating away at the penumbras so goes free association.

Second what can be more of a freedom of association issue than choosing who you want to hang out with, date, love, have sex with,  live with, and eventually marry. Those are what the Gay Rights are all about.

The LGBT agenda and Constitutional rights cannot exist in harmony. At Liberty Counsel, we defend the Constitution.

Yes of course rights of the people cannot exist with the Constitution. And didn't Jesus say to be a Fish of Men.

Liam '12

Freedom Just For Me

Behind the Name

This is a bit of the reason why I titled this blog "Freedom Just For Me."

In 2010 a group of ultra rabid, foaming at the mouth, freedom hating, meh I could go on forever with insults Republicans had their collective Hate-Meters ramped up all the way to Def-Con 6.  The issue at hand was Park51, which they labeled as the Ground-Zero-Victory-Mosque.

Here is the mission statement provided by Park51:

Park51 will be a vibrant and inclusive community center, reflecting the diverse spectrum of cultures and traditions, and serving New York City with programs in education, arts, culture and recreation.

Inspired by Islamic values and Muslim heritage, Park51 will weave the Muslim-American identity into the multicultural fabric of the United States. Park51 aims to foster cooperation and understanding between people of all faiths and backgrounds through relevant programs and initiatives.

Wow that's gutsy as hell of them to quote Osama Bin Laden's First Video. The conservatives, who months prior dressed up in tricorne hats screaming that the government is takin' way all 'em freedumz, were petitioning New York City to make the Burlington Coat Factory a historical cite, thus preventing the construction of the Center. If you want to protest or boycott that is your right as a free citizen, but to take legal action through the Government to prevent people from practicing their religion, and it is especially terrible if you literally are waving a banner that reads "Liberty." I cannot imagine these people taking legal action to prevent a church from being built, or enjoying being on the receiving end of a government order.  They want freedom and the liberty to deny others the freedoms they enjoy.

Glaring hypocrisy aside, the problem with whole Ground Zero Mosque thing is that

A: Park51 is not on Ground Zero. It was previously a Burlington Coat Factory store;

B: Park51 is an inter-religious cultural center not a Mosque. Apparently they have had a workshop teaching children how to make bread. Quel Malheur;

C: By labeling Park51 as a  "Victory Mosque" they are implying Muslim-Americans are somehow in cahoots with Bin Laden.  It's saying that Muslim Americans are taking victory, even though Muslim-Americans were in that area prior to 9/11.

Equating all Muslims with the Al-Qaeda is like say all Americans are just like Fred Phelps. Speaking of the idiot, maybe this should be his next sign.

Liam '12

Freedom Just For Me